Tag Archives: intimacy

Back-2-Basics: Relationships – Intimacy & Sex Part 2

In a society filled with pornography where lust is glorified, sex is cheap, marriage is portrayed as nothing but a problem and living together a solution, where men and women are viewed as nothing more than a body made to gratify the lust of our flesh and the sexual orientation of a man or woman is compromised by the lie of Satan (Cole pg. 86) – it is refreshing to see that God is raising up a generation who are still willing to do things Gods way. 

Quick Points: 

1). VIRGINITY – Living together, and, or, being in a sexual relationship has become common practice among those who call themselves Christians.

a). What is their justification?

b). Why is there compromise concerning the institution of Marriage?

Those who are willing to save themselves for marriage are the minority in society and are often met with criticism and even potential abuse.  Among the believers, Virginity should be commonplace. There are many even among the so-called-faithful, who compromise and battle in this area.

Recommended:
There is Power in Being Single

~ by Larry Reese

The Virginity of a man or woman is the one area in relationship where we see tangible representation of moral security, meaning, sex is a spiritual act, reserved for a husband and a wife. In lay-mans terms, Virginity is a tangible representation of something spiritual. Sex is both physical and spiritual – it’s the one act in which two individuals submit themselves completely to each other, literally exposing themselves physical, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. This is why Virginity is so valuable.

 

2). SEXUAL ABUSE – Sexual abuse has become more-and-more a common conversation among (mostly) women, but men as well.  Often abuse leaves sexual scars that carry over into marriage, unless there is healing – this healing, which comes from God, establishes a new emotional and physical platform for sexual intimacy.

Two types of abuse:

a). Permissive sexual abuse – consensual – both parties know what they are doing and are in agreement – this usually leaves both emotionally abused, which leads to a void that in their minds can only be filled with more sex (giving way to multiple sexual partners). In addition, this abuse has spiritual ramifications, in that submission to a husband or wife becomes more difficult outside of the marriage bed, and even that too is compromised.

b). Un-permissive sexual abuse – non consensual – one party forces him or herself on the other. This leaves the victim emotionally and physically scarred.

 

Sex is the highest physical act of Love between two people to show and express their union (unity) in spirit, which is a covenant relationship (Cole, pg. 87) As much as Sex is a physical act, Sex must be seen as spiritual. The problem we run into as believers, is we do not live-out the other aspects of our relationship with a covenant mind-set, so when it comes to Sex, we do not appreciate the covenant value, only the physical value it brings. If we are going to have satisfying sex with our spouse, we must have satisfying (unifying) life with our spouse.

 

The Covenant

The covenant we have with God in relationship affords us the opportunity to live a “Resurrected Life”  (or New life) in him through Christ Crucified. Christ is the fulfillment of God’s covenant with us, so, no longer is there the sacrifice of animals, because Jesus was the sacrifice – or the circumcision of a man, because now we have circumcision of the heart when we accept Jesus. Father’s covenant with us says we are no longer slaves or servants, but sons and daughters, which teaches us how to love Him and be loved by Him.

This covenant is realized in full through our participatory living with God, (obedience and submission) so that we do not take on the same perspective spiritually, that we tend to take on sexually –

Self gratifying – The perspective that God (or his presence) is just a fix that I need in order to get by.

You see, if we treat our spouse as the means for a “sexual fix,” then we are distorting the covenant relationship, causing a divide in the unity. If we are not careful, we will treat God the same way, seeing him as “the Fix,” or “a fix,” but never doing life with Him (causing a divide in the covenant relationship).

Often we see this concerning worship, we tend to worship God’s presence (because of how it makes us feel) more that we worship God (This is called a Spiritual Orgasm). Remember, you can be in the presence of anyone, but not know who they are. As believers, the covenant relationship should never be compromised by our need for fulfillment, but, understanding, that as a marriage, husbands and wives submit to each other, so that the covenant is fulfilled and lived.

Sex becomes easy when a husband and wife are submitting to each other in life. 

 

Like spirituality, we often look for a physical fix (by way of God’s Spirit), but we do not know how to do life with God. The more we submit to God in life, the easier it is to get to know the real God… God revealed through Obedience.  As we submit to each other in Life, as husband and wife, sexual intimacy serves as a bi-product of submission, which is man revealing himself to his wife, and the woman revealing herself to her husband.

 

When we do not submit to each other in life, we will always dip into the (Honey Pot), meaning we will always look somewhere else for fulfillment. Submitting to each other in life preserves and grows the love we have for each other, (obedient love) but selfishness in the relationship, feeds our need to be satisfied, and when we are no longer satisfied by our spouse, (physically, emotionally, and in communication), we will always look to someone or something else.  Once the honey in the Honey Pot is gone, it becomes clear (meaning we feel justified) to our selfish nature, that we need fulfillment from another source. This often occurs in multiple ways, but the most common is Pornography (primarily because of how easily accessible it is).

Other ways include:

  1. Emotional relationships that eventually turn physical
  2. A change or conflict in sexual orientation, which leads to homosexual experimentation
  3. An intense focus on another area of life, like a job or career, which leads to ignoring the relationship

This is why the submission principal is so key to the physical (sexual) well–being of the relationship, as the unity created spiritually through submitted sex serves to establish an unbreakable bond of friendship, which at the core of all of this is what is usually lacking.  Often we will (love) our spouse out of obligation, but do not know how to be friends.

A man and a woman need to know how to be friends with each other, to know how to be a husband and a wife. (Cole, pg. 122) again, this gets lost, because of a lack of submission.

 

Colossians 3: 18 – Wives Submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in (this word ‘in’ implies that you are submitting Gods way – not submission to a mans selfish or self-centeredness, but submitting as you would submit to God) the Lord.

Colossians 3:19 – Husbands, love (obedient submissive love-love from God’s perspective) your wives and do not be harsh (harshness comes from selfish ambition) with them.  Men – lust is a perverted and distorted version of love. Love desires to satisfy others, even at the expense of self (submission). Lust desires to gratify self, even at the expense of others.  (Cole, pg. 92)

In wrapping up the conversation on Intimacy and Sex, we must always be mindful of the value of unity. I cannot stress enough the need for unity in living, as this will greatly affect the marriage bed. In order to solidify unity, we must PRACTICE submission. I use the word practice intentionally, as this is a daily process. Even the apostle Paul confessed to “dying daily” in 1 Cor. 15:31 and in Luke 9:23 Jesus encouraged the believer saying “a true disciple submits their life daily and takes up their cross to follow Him.”

If we are not willing to practice submitting our lives fully to Christ (who has already submitted his life), then we will struggle to submit to our spouse. If submission is not being practice, then there is not unity. Remember,  SUBMISSION equates to faith and trust, all of which are aspects of GRACE, but an unwillingness to submit, means you are subject to the Law, and if you live by the law, you will die by the Law.  Grace serves as a buffer (balance) between the sin nature and your spirit.  As you get to know Father in relationship, submitting to Him in life, the Sin Nature diminishes in value causing you to grow into (or in confidence) your Spiritual Identity.

Back-2-Basics: Relationships – Intimacy & Sex Part 1

Intimacy

“Trust Makes Vulnerability possible. Lack of trust makes it impossible” (Cole, pg.45)

It is often difficult to talk about one’s level of intimacy with others, because in our minds, intimacy equates to Sex. But the truth is, in any relationship, there are levels of intimacy that occur. TRUST is at the core of our interpretation of LOVE. In fact, in order to give oneself away fully, there has to be a level of trust that has been established by extensive experience with someone. This experience is what provides us with healthy perspective.

Healthy Perspective is everything. 

 

TRUST leads to SUBMISSION.

Jesus said in John 14:15 If you LOVE me you will obey what I say – this level of Love has its origin in Obedience, and establishes a strong unbreakable level of Trust through submissive obedient experience. The provisions of this love are, Identity, security, and Stability (Cole, pg.46), which are key for developing a solid relationship. From Submission, Jesus says, we are able to receive (Believe Him) the Spirit of Truth, a helper who dwells in us forever.

Submission (Honey Pot) is at the core of Intimacy, which leads to unity. Often the great struggle in Intimacy between two people is:

 

Unity

The primary reason why we struggle to be unified in Relationship or marriage is because we are selfish.  The example of Christ selflessness should be enough for us to reconcile in our mind, will and emotions the need for Submission – but, the truth is, it does not work that way. In fact, the only way we get to a place of unity between two individuals with individual personalities, likes, dis-likes, wants, needs etc. is the practice of selflessness.  By practice, I mean we intentionally go against our need to be right, have our way, and submit to each other in life, so that unity exist.

 

Our Words and Actions play a profound role in Unified Relationship and Intimacy. 

Words

Our words will either increase the bonds of Unity, or destroy the Unity we have in marriage, causing our spouse to put up a protective wall in order to guard against future attacks.

As a married man, and a man with a strong personality, I know first hand the level at which my words effect the Unity between my wife and I. Early in marriage, Holly and I would have a dis-agreement, in which my focus would be on one solitary thing, winning the argument! In fact, I would be so focused on winning that I didn’t even care what we were in dis-agreement about, I just wanted to win at any cost, even if it meant manipulation. Holly always called my bluff though. My need to be right and for her to see that my way was right, caused me to literally lose my mind, saying things that I would regret – saying things that would cause Holly to build a wall of hardness to guard against being hurt.

 

The Wall

I knew that Holly loved me, but the wall that she built for protection, was affecting other areas of our marriage. No matter what I did over the years, my words would continue to serve as another layer or brick in that wall which would effect our communication and intimacy as a couple. As a male, there is truly something to be said for getting rid of the ego and humbly submitting yourself in the areas you know you carry pride and un-renewed thinking. The unfortunate truth is, all the sorry in the world will not cure or pull down a wall built by a spouse – only prayerful change in attitude and action will soften the heart of your spouse and bring unity back into the relationship – even then, this takes time. If time was and has been spent building a wall, then it will take time to see it torn down. Understand, that praying alone, does not fix the problem. If you and I are not willing to listen to and believe our spouse about the legitimacy of their pain, then we will not be able to hear Gods Spirit when he tries to lead us into the words that he knows will keep us in Unity.

 

Remember, that as believers, the level at which we are submitted to Gods Spirit, will come-out in the level at which submit to our spouse, and in other relationships. You may think you are submitted to Gods Spirit, but the reality is, you are not as submitted as you think you are, if you remain selfish in relationship.

Back-2-Basics: Relationships – Communication Part 2

Communicate from your season: 

Too often in relationship, and more specifically relationship with God, we fail to communicate out of the season we are in. If we are going to communicate this way with God, we must first ask him to show us the season we are in. In doing so, we set ourselves up for participation with Him. This is important, because as is your communication with your spouse, so will be your participation.  Participation, or doing life together, hinges on the way we communicate with each other.

 

Our body Language

As it pertains to communication, the way we approach the individual, determines his or her response. Your body language has just as much to say (or more) about the moment than you may realize. Effective communication in relationship should keep an open posture – (like an open heart – or sensitivity to God) – our approach or the way we carry ourselves as Spiritual sons and Daughters should reveal openness and honesty. We should display Truth through our living.

 

Honesty and truth, have an appearance. As we are affirmed by God in who we are as Spiritual sons and daughters, our whole posture and countenance will change – this brings with it an openness to the things of God that is noticeable to even the unbeliever.

 

Psalm 2:7 – I will proclaim the Lords Decree: He said to me, “You are my son; today I have become your Father.”

As believing Spiritual Sons and Daughters, Kindness should flow out of you naturally (not something that we have to work at)

 

Proverbs 15:1 – A soft (body language) answer turns away wrath, but a harsh (body language) word stirs up anger.

Another area in which this type of communication (body Language) occurs is in our sexuality. How we carry ourselves, the clothes we ware, all play apart in the intentions we are communicating to the opposite sex. Everyone wants to be valued and feel wanting or worthy, and if we are not getting this attention in the areas of life that matter – spiritual, economical, physical, intellectual – then we often take matters into our own hands, striving to prove our worth through performance based living, or communication. This creates a domino effect that exposes the desperate need to be wanted, and causes us to put on a false representation of who we are as gods children – Meaning – you are allowing someone else to define you; and the other person doesn’t even know it.

 

Psalm 1:1-5 – Blessed is the one who does not walk in step with the wicked or stand (posture – body language) in the way that sinners (stand) take or sit in the company of mockers, but whose delight is in the law of the Lord, and who meditates on his law day and night. That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither – whatever they do prospers. Not so the wicked! They are like chaff that the wind blows away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous. For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked leads to destruction.

 

Does this mean we cannot dress to impress or flirt?

It would be better for you to dress to inform, (meaning I communicate only what is needed, based out of the real person I am) than dress to impress – (when we try to impress others, we are allowing them to dictate our lives – in a sense, they are defining us). Remember, we are talking about communication, so it’s important that you are not robbed of the truth (about who you are) by allowing Satan to take advantage of your unbelief concerning spiritual identity. The enemy will take advantage of your insecurity – and if you are insecure, it is because you do not know who you are in Him as a son or daughter in that area of life. The real you, is what is in need of affirmation. God will always provide for what you do, what you need and who you need, if you are functioning out of the real you – the spiritual son and daughter he says you are. Let you body language – what you wear, how you act, etc.. be a reflection of who you are “IN HIM.”

 

How do I communicate this way? Submission.

 

Philippians 2:5-7 – In your relationships with one another, have the same mind-set as Christ

Who being in the very nature of God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness (tell honey pot) and being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death-even death on a cross.

 

Application Questions: 

Looking at your current status as a single man or woman. Ask the Holy Spirit to search you regarding the issue of insecurity; then ask Him 2 things:

1). Is the way I act or dress being motivated by my need to impress someone or lure someone?

2). Am I doing this because I do not know who I am in you?

Remember, if you are trying to impress, it is because you have a deep-seeded insecurity that (inadvertently) serves to allow someone else to define you.

Back-2-Basics: Relationships – Communication Part 1

John 16:13 – And when he the Spirit of Truth comes, he will lead you into all Truth.

Truth is at the core of having solid communication in relationships.  But, the one truth that we all fail to accept is – if we are going to believe the truth that comes from God. We must first accept that we have to learn what the truth looks like. This is because we are accustomed to believing the lie (or expect the lie) than we are the truth – as a result of the deceptive nature we must all battle. This perspective (or lack of) creates a distorted view of the truth, which in turn distorts our ability to live the truth – affecting the way in which we communicate with others.

2 Corinthians 10:5 – We demolish arguments and every pretension (posture) that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

We all like to win the argument, because we were never made by God to be wrong (the deceptive nature, or sin nature distorted our perspective – causing the lie to be more attractive than the truth).

 

This leads us to react or converse from 2 platforms: 

1). We all have interpretive opinions: We create an opinion from our own interpretation of the circumstance, weather we know what we are talking about or not.

2). We are manipulators: We all want people to see things our way, so we will argue our position as right, until we have won the moment.

 

Satan’s goal is to “Steal the Word – or truth” through circumstance. This began with Adam and Eve, and exist in our lives today.

Isaiah 59:14 – So justice is driven back, and righteousness stands at a distance; Truth is fallen in the street, Honesty cannot enter.

Being still helps us to practice not only listen to God, but as well, we learn to be good listeners to others.

James 1:19 – My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.

Remember that in relationship, “your word is your bond” – Often we are guilty of lying, or making commitments via our words that we fail to keep, and this affects the overall relationship, creating a wedge of dis-trust between us and the person we are in relationship with.  No lie can serve the purposes of God. This is an issue of the heart, as a man or woman’s word is only as good as his character.

***In addressing the grey that has infiltrated Christianity, we must be intentional about responding to God, otherwise we will fear faith, and the areas in which we fear faith, are the areas in which we find the darkest shade of grey – dis-honest living. ***

Proverbs 21:23 – Whoever keeps (hold firmly) his mouth and his tongue keeps himself out of trouble

 

Application Exercise:

1). Communication is an essential part of the relationship process. Looking at your relationship with God:

Ask the Holy Spirit to show you what Season you are in – write down what he says, and then begin to talk to Father from this place. Remember, knowing your season, helps you communicate effectively with God, which positions you to participate with Him as well.

Back-2-Basics: Relationships – Intro

There are three areas in which we see a break-down in relationship:

1). How we communicate in Relationship
2). Intimacy in Relationship
3). Relationship with Money

When the truth giving spirit is giving revelation, it causes the heart of man to be warm and open to what the spirit is saying.

Example: Emmaus road story –

Luke 24:13 – After Jesus had risen, he met with 2 men as they were talking along a road, but they did not recognize it was Jesus – afterword their eyes were opened to who was with them, and said to each other in verse 32, “were not our hearts burning within us while he talked with us and opened the scriptures to us?” The anointing of God causes the hearts of men to be warm, moldable, and pliable, leaving a tangible representation of Gods expression of LOVE.

When a person sees God for who he is, they see love – We have to be careful though, because to often men reject what they don’t understand in their minds – causing them to reject the revealed love of God – because they can’t control it.

 

Matthew 22:37-38 – Jesus replied: “Love the lord your God with all of your heart and with all your soul and with all of your mind. This is the first and greatest command. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

It is important as we engage with God in this series, to allow your hearts to opened and warmed by the word of Gods spirit, so that we come out of this series knowing how to have healthy relationship with God, Ourselves, and Others.

As an Introduction to the series, lets look at each topic of conversation we will cover.  Some of my teaching will come out of Edwin Lewis Cole book, Communication, Sex, and Money

 

COMMUNICATION:

John 16:13 – And when he the Spirit of Truth comes, he will lead you into all Truth.

Truth is at the core of having solid communication in relation.  But, the one truth that we all fail to accept is – if we are going to believe the truth that comes from God, we must first accept that we have to learn what the truth looks like. This is because we are accustom to believing the lie (or expect the lie) than we are the truth – as a result of the deceptive nature we must all battle. This perspective (or lack of) creates a distorted view of the truth, which in turn distorts our ability to live the truth – affecting the way in which we communicate with others.

 

2 Corinthians 10:5 – We demolish arguments and every pretension (posture) that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

 

INTIMACY:

“Trust Makes Vulnerability possible. Lack of trust makes it impossible” (Cole, pg.45)

It is often difficult to talk about one’s level of intimacy with others, because in our minds, intimacy equates to Sex. But the truth is, in any relationship, there are levels of intimacy that occur. TRUST is at the core of our interpretation of LOVE. In fact, in order to give oneself away fully, there has to be a level of trust that has been established by extensive experience with someone.

 

TRUST leads to SUBMISSION.

Jesus said in John 14:15 If you LOVE me you will obey what I say – this level of Love has its origin in Obedience, and establishes a strong unbreakable level of Trust through submissive obedient experience. The provisions of this love are, Identity, security, and Stability (Cole, pg.46), which are key for developing a solid relationship. From Submission, Jesus says, we are able to receive (Believe Him) the Spirit of Truth, a helper who dwells in us forever.

Submission (honey pot) is at the core of Intimacy, which leads to unity. Often the great struggle in Intimacy between 2 people is:

SEX:

In a society filled with pornography where lust is glorified, sex is cheap, marriage is portrayed as nothing but a problem and living together a solution, where men and women are viewed as nothing more than a body made to gratify the lust of our flesh and the sexual orientation of a man or woman is compromised by the lie of Satan (Cole pg. 86) – it is refreshing to see that God is raising up a generation who are still willing to do things Gods way. 

MONEY:

“Money is meant to serve you, not you serve money” – much of the reason why we struggle with money in marriage and relationship, is because we are trying to control what is not ours to begin with – We try to control it, because in our minds it is the very thing we believe will buy (or purchase), the living we want – we have put our confidence in our money, instead of the one who gives the money.

1 Timothy 6:10 – For the LOVE of money is the root of ALL kinds of evil Some people eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many grief’s.